I hate that zack needs me to go places with him. He is afraid to leave the house and I am a comfort for him but we don't always have a baby sitter. I don't want to be a bitch or leave him to himself but I can't do it all. I am not strong enough for this. He is canceling appointments because I can't go. He doesn't say that's why but I know it is. I need an escape sometimes so if he went alone I could chill at home by myself for an hour. I really want him to get better so I can have my husband back. I don't want us to end in divorce but things are getting so bad that it scares me.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Those words are so full of pain and panic. My husband has an anxiety disorder. Everyone sees him as the anxiety guy. So he never gets full attention at the hospital. Although I can't blame the hospital for not taking him seriously, because he has been to the hospital about 30 times in the last year and that's obviously excessive. Right now though he is really hurting and he says he can't breathe. He is so afraid he is going to die or something really bad is going to happen. He's been sobbing and holding our kids like he is saying goodbye. He looks at me like he wants me to help. I can't help him. I don't know what to do.
So here is is again at the hospital. Sobbing and can barely breathe. He probably wont get full attention. It's just like the boy who cried wolf. But instead of faking it in the beginning his brain made him seriously think something was wrong. He is just sobbing. I can't make him better. I can't make the obsessive thoughts go away. I wish I could take all this pain and sadness away. I miss my husband. I miss being able to go places without anxiety getting in the way. I miss cuddles without him pulling away because anxiety.
I miss my kids. They are getting neglected as far as time with us. They need their mom and dad. Right now all they get is mommy because daddy doesn't feel good. The weird thing is that they don't ask questions. Its like they just know. That makes me sad. They shouldn't be so complacent. They know too much for being so little. I miss spending time with them. Sitting with Zack at the hospital really cuts into my time with them and they are all over me because they miss me.
We need help. We need an answer. I need my family to understand his condition and not judge him for it. They think he just wants attention. When he repeatedly says "Please please...I just want to be normal!" and it breaks my heart. He doesn't want attention. He wants to feel content. He wants his mind and body to stop this obsessive compulsive disorder. He wants to be happy. He wants to be himself again.
I just want my husband back.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
I know a lot of people who know that they are pretty and they throw a picture out on social media and say something negative like "Omg I am awful looking today! I look so fat!" or whatever. And they do that because they are fishing for compliments. They want someone to say "Oh my goodness shut up because you are gorgeous and you look amazing and I WISH I could be as skinny as you." and it gives them the ego boost they were looking for.
I am the complete opposite. I post a picture and when someone says I look nice I say thank you. In my head I think "Why though? Why am I pretty? I don't see it." but yet I know I am pretty if everyone says it. I know someone would be honest with me and tell me if I wasn't pretty. What I am trying to understand is why don't I feel pretty? Why don't I believe in my heart and in my mind that I am just gorgeous. I don't feel that way. I don't know if it is because of my school experience. I was teased a lot. Every flaw pointed out and every insecurity discovered and exploited. People would always say "Just ignore them sweetie. They're just jealous because you are pretty." but I don't believe that. There must have been something that people saw in me that made me a target to pick on. Bullying is seriously what I think is wrong with my self image. I got picked on for having a gap, big ass, huge lips, big nose. Everything. I got picked on a lot and especially when my husband and I started dating.
I just wish I could feel like I am as pretty as everyone says I am. I want to think it. I really need to go on a diet. I have fallen so far from my healthy eating habits because I have started trying to quit smoking. So now my addiction is junk food. I need to start my diet back up and start doing some more activities. Maybe if I lose some weight my confidence will get stronger. Maybe.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
At times I think "Why am I so lucky?" and I realized that I am lucky because I have worked for it! I have struggled and never given up so now I am being rewarded for it. I never bicker. If he wants to go out with his friends I don't mind. He deserves to have some time to himself with being a stay at home dad. If he goes to the Casino in Louisiana and tells me he lost $300 of our money...oh well! It's just money. All of the bills are paid and we don't NEED anything. I can make that back in 4 days of work. I can tell he already feels bad and guilty so why would I want to make that worse? Yeah I do all of his laundry. He never asks me to. I just do it. But if he needs something he puts on a load of clothes by himself. He doesn't expect anything from me. He appreciates what I do therefore he can ask anything of me and I will be free to say yes or no.
Communication has gotten us to 10 years together and almost 3 years married. As long as we keep this going we should be a great couple for another 10 years. Just talking through the issues and never losing appreciation for each other. And Just so you know....every time I put "Boom City" as my status....we just had sex. LOL We have a lot of that going on lately too. It's like the first year of our relationship all over again. So in love and so into each other. I hope I keep feeling so in love and happy. I never want this feeling to go away. I love you Zachary Michael. <3
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I don't know how I manage to do everything. Most of the time I just want to cry. It feels like all I do is work and clean. Nothing more and nothing less. It feels like all I get is negative feed back. Everything I do...someone has something negative to say to me. I don't need negativity. I need encouragement and I need someone to notice everything I do. I only get credit for what I haven't done. It's not fair. I feel so proud of myself and then someone says "You need to do this" or "Why aren't you doing that". I have no freakin energy for anything. I barely want to give myself a bath. I just want someone to say they are proud of me and I am doing a great job. I don't want to be working. I want to be at home with my babies. I go to work right as Veronica gets out of school and she is in bed right when I get home. I miss her. I am so glad it's spring break because I am going to take my babies and go do something fun with them. I feel like a bad mom because I am never here for them. Veronica is always making good grades but since I have been working so much she is starting to get a low grade in spelling. I just don't ever get the chance to study with her. I feel like I should be here for that. I should be at home. Zack is trying really hard to get a job and what sucks is that even if he does, I won't be able to cut back on my work hours. We have so many goals and bills that we won't be able to afford to have me quit my job.
I wish I never needed sleep. That way I could stay up all night and clean. Then I can be a mommy all day until it's time to go to work. Wishing doesn't help anything that is impossible. I just need to really sit down and set a schedule. Tell my job that I can't come in until 4 pm or something. I need to figure something out beca