Friday, November 21, 2014

"Something is wrong!"

Those words are so full of pain and panic. My husband has an anxiety disorder. Everyone sees him as the anxiety guy. So he never gets full attention at the hospital. Although I can't blame the hospital for not taking him seriously, because he has been to the hospital about 30 times in the last year and that's obviously excessive.  Right now though he is really hurting and he says he can't breathe. He is so afraid he is going to die or something really bad is going to happen. He's been sobbing and holding our kids like he is saying goodbye. He looks at me like he wants me to help. I can't help him. I don't know what to do.

So here is is again at the hospital. Sobbing and can barely breathe.  He probably wont get full attention. It's just like the boy who cried wolf.  But instead of faking it in the beginning his brain made him seriously think something was wrong. He is just sobbing. I can't make him better. I can't make the obsessive thoughts go away. I wish I could take all this pain and sadness away. I miss my husband. I miss being able to go places without anxiety getting in the way. I miss cuddles without him pulling away because anxiety.

I miss my kids. They are getting neglected as far as time with us. They need their mom and dad. Right now all they get is mommy because daddy doesn't feel good. The weird thing is that they don't ask questions. Its like they just know. That makes me sad. They shouldn't be so complacent. They know too much for being so little. I miss spending time with them. Sitting with Zack at the hospital really cuts into my time with them and they are all over me because they miss me.

We need help. We need an answer. I need my family to understand his condition and not judge him for it. They think he just wants attention. When he repeatedly says "Please please...I just want to be normal!" and it breaks my heart. He doesn't want attention. He wants to feel content. He wants his mind and body to stop this obsessive compulsive disorder.  He wants to be happy. He wants to be himself again.

I just want my husband back.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Struggle with your mind

My husband is always saying "I wish you could see how beautiful and sexy you are." and all I do is smile at him. Maybe I say thank you honey. I know that I am pretty. Everyone says it and sometimes I even believe them (when I am having a good day) but I don't feel like it's true.

I know a lot of people who know that they are pretty and they throw a picture out on social media and say something negative like "Omg I am awful looking today! I look so fat!" or whatever. And they do that because they are fishing for compliments. They want someone to say "Oh my goodness shut up because you are gorgeous and you look amazing and I WISH I could be as skinny as you." and it gives them the ego boost they were looking for.

I am the complete opposite. I post a picture and when someone says I look nice I say thank you. In my head I think "Why though? Why am I pretty? I don't see it." but yet I know I am pretty if everyone says it. I know someone would be honest with me and tell me if I wasn't pretty. What I am trying to understand is why don't I feel pretty? Why don't I believe in my heart and in my mind that I am just gorgeous. I don't feel that way. I don't know if it is because of my school experience. I was teased a lot. Every flaw pointed out and every insecurity discovered and exploited. People would always say "Just ignore them sweetie. They're just jealous because you are pretty." but I don't believe that. There must have been something that people saw in me that made me a target to pick on. Bullying is seriously what I think is wrong with my self image. I got picked on for having a gap, big ass, huge lips, big nose. Everything. I got picked on a lot and especially when my husband and I started dating.

I just wish I could feel like I am as pretty as everyone says I am. I want to think it. I really need to go on a diet. I have fallen so far from my healthy eating habits because I have started trying to quit smoking. So now my addiction is junk food. I need to start my diet back up and start doing some more activities. Maybe if I lose some weight my confidence will get stronger. Maybe.

Friday, July 4, 2014

What about me?

Omg I am so excited that I have been trying to make a name for myself on YouTube and other social media sites but when the hell would I ever have the time to do my damn videos? I swear it is 2 in the morning and all 3 kids are awake. I set everything up and tell everyone to leave me alone but they can't. I hear the 2 oldest kids fighting and knocking on the door asking for blankets and taddling and whatever else they can come up with. I have NO place in this house to go and be by myself. I could lock myself in the bathroom and do my videos but who the hell wants to sit in a small ass bathroom and the echo would probably be too much for the camera. And and and and and and and and......UGHHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream. This isn't fair. Everyone is being so supportive of me doing this but I am going to have to stay up until 5 in the morning or wake up that early just to do my makeup video while everyone is asleep. I really can not wait for school to start again. At least then the kids will be worn out. Since it is summer time they are bored and it is too hot to let them run around outside to burn off all of their energy. Now I have a raging tooth ache and I just want to cry. I want to give up. I want to just tell my supportive husband that he can return the web cam he got me and just forget it. But I know I will be sad. I know I will regret it. Why can't I just have 1 freaking hour out of the day where nobody bothers me and I can get everything done. And sitting in a room by myself and hearing chaos on the other side of the door doesn't count. It's distracting and I end up trying to hurrrrrryyyyyyy because I need to get out there and be a damn parent. I just want to take my makeup and trash it. Take everything that I want to do and everything that I enjoy and I want to just burn it all because apparently no matter how hard I or my husband tries I can't get a damn moment alone or a quiet peaceful hour.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

To my husband

You are the reason for my happiness. You are the one who makes me smile. You are the reason I want to be the best person I can be. You make every part of me glow with joy. You make me laugh even when I am sad. You know exactly how to cheer me up. You keep me level-headed and stop me when I am being careless. You light up the kid's world. You bring them so much joy. You show them love and how to be awesome at video games. When you are gone the kids can tell and they aren't fully comfortable until you get home. The way they fight me for your love is so cute. You take control of the finances and we aren't struggling because of you. You play taxi driver and not once do you complain. When I get home from work and you have cleaned...it shows me how much you appreciate me. You take care of the kids so I can work. You don't even complain about caring for them which is awesome because I know they're a hand full. You do so much for me and the kids. There is no way to show you how much you mean to us and how much we need you. We would be completely lost without you. I just wanted you to know that you are very much loved and appreciated! <3

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Happy

A lot of my friends are going through a lot with their significant others right now. Some aren't talking to their SO (significant other) about the issues and others can't stop fighting. Some are getting divorces or they are planning to divorce. I feel truly sorry for everyone. Their stories all seem like a tragedy. How can you just give up though? Zack and I haven't had an easy road for sure. We have had so many fights and I have even gone to sleep somewhere else for a while. What we have never done is given up. We keep fighting for each other. We communicate. I feel like we are so blessed to not be having issues right now. It's been 10 years and we are so much more in love than ever before. We hardly ever argue now and we seem to get through our issues right away without it being spread over so many days.

At times I think "Why am I so lucky?" and I realized that I am lucky because I have worked for it! I have struggled and never given up so now I am being rewarded for it. I never bicker. If he wants to go out with his friends I don't mind. He deserves to have some time to himself with being a stay at home dad. If he goes to the Casino in Louisiana and tells me he lost $300 of our money...oh well! It's just money. All of the bills are paid and we don't NEED anything. I can make that back in 4 days of work. I can tell he already feels bad and guilty so why would I want to make that worse? Yeah I do all of his laundry. He never asks me to. I just do it. But if he needs something he puts on a load of clothes by himself. He doesn't expect anything from me. He appreciates what I do therefore he can ask anything of me and I will be free to say yes or no.

Communication has gotten us to 10 years together and almost 3 years married. As long as we keep this going we should be a great couple for another 10 years. Just talking through the issues and never losing appreciation for each other. And Just so you know....every time I put "Boom City" as my status....we just had sex. LOL We have a lot of that going on lately too. It's like the first year of our relationship all over again. So in love and so into each other. I hope I keep feeling so in love and happy. I never want this feeling to go away. I love you Zachary Michael. <3

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Busy

I don't know how I manage to do everything. Most of the time I just want to cry. It feels like all I do is work and clean. Nothing more and nothing less. It feels like all I get is negative feed back. Everything I do...someone has something negative to say to me. I don't need negativity. I need encouragement and I need someone to notice everything I do. I only get credit for what I haven't done. It's not fair. I feel so proud of myself and then someone says "You need to do this" or "Why aren't you doing that". I have no freakin energy for anything. I barely want to give myself a bath. I just want someone to say they are proud of me and I am doing a great job. I don't want to be working. I want to be at home with my babies. I go to work right as Veronica gets out of school and she is in bed right when I get home. I miss her. I am so glad it's spring break because I am going to take my babies and go do something fun with them. I feel like a bad mom because I am never here for them. Veronica is always making good grades but since I have been working so much she is starting to get a low grade in spelling. I just don't ever get the chance to study with her. I feel like I should be here for that. I should be at home. Zack is trying really hard to get a job and what sucks is that even if he does, I won't be able to cut back on my work hours. We have so many goals and bills that we won't be able to afford to have me quit my job.

I wish I never needed sleep. That way I could stay up all night and clean. Then I can be a mommy all day until it's time to go to work. Wishing doesn't help anything that is impossible. I just need to really sit down and set a schedule. Tell my job that I can't come in until 4 pm or something. I need to figure something out beca

Monday, March 4, 2013

Night Owl

I can't fall asleep for the life of me. The second I tried to fall asleep ever thought came rushing to my head. My heart beat and breathing kept me awake. And then everything started to itch. Then I had to pee. Everything kept bothering me and keeping me awake. So I guess I am just going to stay awake all day. I worry about getting tired later on in the day and falling asleep but I really need to get my sleep on track.

One thing that kept me awake is baby fever. I flashed back to memories of my pregnancy with Zane. Sitting on the birthing ball and trying my best to labor without the epidural. Which I did for 19 hours. I miss those moments of excitement when Zack felt the first kick, finding out the sex, planning my birth. I started thinking about everything I want to try to do differently. Birth at home for the most part. Breastfeeding in public and not being afraid of it. I want to swaddle a baby, change diapers, boil bottles, pick baby names and not tell anyone. Go through nesting. I wish we could afford it right now. My heart misses it.

Then I started thinking about going back to school. Going to beauty college and getting a degree. Or becoming a teacher and the kind of teacher I want to be. I would love doing either one of those. My passion is beauty but I loveeee kids. I don't want to do anything in the medical field. I don't like telling people bad news or anything like that. I don't think I would enjoy it. I would rather do something I enjoy and make less money.

I have the world on my mind. I hate nights like this.