Saturday, February 14, 2015
All I know is that I am going to continue to keep loving my husband had try my best to hold him as he cries and get him through this. He thinks he will end up driving me away but I won't let that happen. I am strong and I am going to show him just how strong I can be. So I need to get my GED and get my ass to work and to school. I need to grow myself and maybe that will push him to grow too. And the best thing will be is that I will get us out of poverty and into some life worth living.
I love him so much. I am his wife and I took a vow. And I am taking another vow to never ever give up on him. <3 Let's see if I can pull this all off.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Well I was supposed to go to dinner with my family tonight but Zack has to go to the hospital again so I lost my babysitter. I just need to stop making plans for myself. His suggestion....Just divorce him then. Tempting when in pissed off. But I don't want a damn divorce. Why can't shit just be normal? I want one day where I don't have to deal with this. I know he wishes the same with all his heart. It's just a shit storm off emotions and both of us have valid points and views. This isn't fair to either of us. I want a better life for the both of us but is that going to be together or apart?
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
I hate that zack needs me to go places with him. He is afraid to leave the house and I am a comfort for him but we don't always have a baby sitter. I don't want to be a bitch or leave him to himself but I can't do it all. I am not strong enough for this. He is canceling appointments because I can't go. He doesn't say that's why but I know it is. I need an escape sometimes so if he went alone I could chill at home by myself for an hour. I really want him to get better so I can have my husband back. I don't want us to end in divorce but things are getting so bad that it scares me.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Those words are so full of pain and panic. My husband has an anxiety disorder. Everyone sees him as the anxiety guy. So he never gets full attention at the hospital. Although I can't blame the hospital for not taking him seriously, because he has been to the hospital about 30 times in the last year and that's obviously excessive. Right now though he is really hurting and he says he can't breathe. He is so afraid he is going to die or something really bad is going to happen. He's been sobbing and holding our kids like he is saying goodbye. He looks at me like he wants me to help. I can't help him. I don't know what to do.
So here is is again at the hospital. Sobbing and can barely breathe. He probably wont get full attention. It's just like the boy who cried wolf. But instead of faking it in the beginning his brain made him seriously think something was wrong. He is just sobbing. I can't make him better. I can't make the obsessive thoughts go away. I wish I could take all this pain and sadness away. I miss my husband. I miss being able to go places without anxiety getting in the way. I miss cuddles without him pulling away because anxiety.
I miss my kids. They are getting neglected as far as time with us. They need their mom and dad. Right now all they get is mommy because daddy doesn't feel good. The weird thing is that they don't ask questions. Its like they just know. That makes me sad. They shouldn't be so complacent. They know too much for being so little. I miss spending time with them. Sitting with Zack at the hospital really cuts into my time with them and they are all over me because they miss me.
We need help. We need an answer. I need my family to understand his condition and not judge him for it. They think he just wants attention. When he repeatedly says "Please please...I just want to be normal!" and it breaks my heart. He doesn't want attention. He wants to feel content. He wants his mind and body to stop this obsessive compulsive disorder. He wants to be happy. He wants to be himself again.
I just want my husband back.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
I know a lot of people who know that they are pretty and they throw a picture out on social media and say something negative like "Omg I am awful looking today! I look so fat!" or whatever. And they do that because they are fishing for compliments. They want someone to say "Oh my goodness shut up because you are gorgeous and you look amazing and I WISH I could be as skinny as you." and it gives them the ego boost they were looking for.
I am the complete opposite. I post a picture and when someone says I look nice I say thank you. In my head I think "Why though? Why am I pretty? I don't see it." but yet I know I am pretty if everyone says it. I know someone would be honest with me and tell me if I wasn't pretty. What I am trying to understand is why don't I feel pretty? Why don't I believe in my heart and in my mind that I am just gorgeous. I don't feel that way. I don't know if it is because of my school experience. I was teased a lot. Every flaw pointed out and every insecurity discovered and exploited. People would always say "Just ignore them sweetie. They're just jealous because you are pretty." but I don't believe that. There must have been something that people saw in me that made me a target to pick on. Bullying is seriously what I think is wrong with my self image. I got picked on for having a gap, big ass, huge lips, big nose. Everything. I got picked on a lot and especially when my husband and I started dating.
I just wish I could feel like I am as pretty as everyone says I am. I want to think it. I really need to go on a diet. I have fallen so far from my healthy eating habits because I have started trying to quit smoking. So now my addiction is junk food. I need to start my diet back up and start doing some more activities. Maybe if I lose some weight my confidence will get stronger. Maybe.