Saturday, February 14, 2015

All in or nothing at all

I have realized that either I am all in or I need to leave now. Yeah there are annoyances here and there and most days are a struggle. Most of all I have realized that inside this crazy and neurotic person is my husband and I can NOT leave him to battle this on his own. The kids need a distraction and more love. So mommy is going to start planning trips to the Zoo, the beach, the park, and whatever else I can think of. Somehow I need to slap myself into superhero mode and keep both my husband and my kids happy...all without forgetting MY needs. I think I can do this. I am determined to do this. I don't want to leave him. The though of leaving him is just killing me. It's the same feeling as if I were to imagine him dead. Life is hard now but I truly believe that somehow some way things are going to get better and his mental health is going to get better. It can not be like this forever. Why did God give this battle to us? What did we do as people to deserve all of this? I know I was a shitty person for a very long time but I thought that being sweet and loving as an adult would make up for all of that.

All I know is that I am going to continue to keep loving my husband had try my best to hold him as he cries and get him through this. He thinks he will end up driving me away but I won't let that happen. I am strong and I am going to show him just how strong I can be. So I need to get my GED and get my ass to work and to school. I need to grow myself and maybe that will push him to grow too. And the best thing will be is that I will get us out of poverty and into some life worth living.

I love him so much. I am his wife and I took a vow. And I am taking another vow to never ever give up on him. <3 Let's see if I can pull this all off.

Friday, February 13, 2015

This sucks

Well I was supposed to go to dinner with my family tonight but Zack has to go to the hospital again so I lost my babysitter. I just need to stop making plans for myself. His suggestion....Just divorce him then. Tempting when in pissed off. But I don't want a damn divorce. Why can't shit just be normal? I want one day where I don't have to deal with this. I know he wishes the same with all his heart. It's just a shit storm off emotions and both of us have valid points and views. This isn't fair to either of us. I want a better life for the both of us but is that going to be together or apart?

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Just trying to make it

With Zack how he's been I have had a hard time dealing with it. Seeing him cry and scream in agony from his frustration I feel so lost. What can I do? He has this mental turmoil that I can't help him with. Doctors are a joke. He doesn't try to help himself or take the medications that are given to him. His fear of new medications mess with his ability to get better. I wish I could jump into his brain and fix the wires. I wish I could do something....anything at all. But I can't. I just have to sit and watch him in pain. The kids are watching. They see him crying and they have this look on their faces. My instinct as a mother makes me think I need to get them out of this situation. I need to save them from this. Then I think about how I would have to leave Zack to do it. I would have to leave him to fight this battle all on his own. How could I do that as a wife? I took a vow. For better or for worse. In SICKNESS and in health. I feel like if I left him I would be the worst person in the world. But my babies are in a bad situation with him like this. I can handle my own crap. The emotions I go through on a daily basis as he talks about killing himself are something I can just deal with. But I can't expect the kids to just deal. They are so fragile and I feel like I am a bad mom for subjecting them to this. So my head and my heart are being pulled in a thousand different directions and I just don't know how I can handle this much longer. I told him I am planning on leaving him when the kids get out of school. I plan on moving in with my mom. I imagine cooking and taking care of my kids in peace without someone crumbling in front of me. I could be the mommy they need me to be if I leave him, My mom's house would be ideal because they would have their own room and my mom has a car I can use. They would be in a different school and I would have the ability to go to school. I feel like being here I am just lazy and held back from the things that would make me grow as a person. Forever in bed watching tv and watching my husband cry all day. Even when he drinks his pain away it isn't a relief for me. I know it's just a temporary fix and eventually when he wakes up he will be the same cowardly crying baby again. Wow...I called him a cry baby...he can't help it....what's wrong with me? I should be more compassionate with him. I am just exhausted. I can't feel sorry for him anymore because I am crumbling now. How can I care for him when I can't care for myself? I am just a wreck and my emotions are everywhere. I feel like a horrible person all around. I need a change. I need to find myself and find a happy place again and I feel like with him I would never achieve happiness. I told him that if I saw that he was trying to get better and help himself that I wouldn't leave him. If he really does try I will stay. My biggest fear is falling out of love with him. We aren't sexual or even intimate in any way. We don't have the ability to get to have sex because he is always in this horrible emotional state. His severe anxiety and this thing where he can't sit still or contain himself is just crippling. There's nothing I can do anymore. I failed at this and life. I am a bad wife and a horrible mother...and I can't help but blame his disabilities.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Feeling guilty

Zack keeps talking about how he wants me to go off and date someone else. Someone who is richer so I won't have to worry about money. He talks about how much I will be happy and free to do the things I want. I just wish he would stop. It's making me fantasize about it now. And now I can feel myself pulling away from him emotionally and physically. I do love him....but am I in love with him still? I am trying really hard to find this out. When I tell people I am  thinking about leaving him they get all curious and I don't have answers.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

About to lose it

I hate that zack needs me to go places with him. He is afraid to leave the house and I am a comfort for him but we don't always have a baby sitter. I don't want to be a bitch or leave him to himself but I can't do it all. I am not strong enough for this. He is canceling appointments because I can't go. He doesn't say that's why but I know it is. I need an escape sometimes so if he went alone I could chill at home by myself for an hour. I really want him to get better so I can have my husband back. I don't want us to end in divorce but things are getting so bad that it scares me.

Friday, November 21, 2014

"Something is wrong!"

Those words are so full of pain and panic. My husband has an anxiety disorder. Everyone sees him as the anxiety guy. So he never gets full attention at the hospital. Although I can't blame the hospital for not taking him seriously, because he has been to the hospital about 30 times in the last year and that's obviously excessive.  Right now though he is really hurting and he says he can't breathe. He is so afraid he is going to die or something really bad is going to happen. He's been sobbing and holding our kids like he is saying goodbye. He looks at me like he wants me to help. I can't help him. I don't know what to do.

So here is is again at the hospital. Sobbing and can barely breathe.  He probably wont get full attention. It's just like the boy who cried wolf.  But instead of faking it in the beginning his brain made him seriously think something was wrong. He is just sobbing. I can't make him better. I can't make the obsessive thoughts go away. I wish I could take all this pain and sadness away. I miss my husband. I miss being able to go places without anxiety getting in the way. I miss cuddles without him pulling away because anxiety.

I miss my kids. They are getting neglected as far as time with us. They need their mom and dad. Right now all they get is mommy because daddy doesn't feel good. The weird thing is that they don't ask questions. Its like they just know. That makes me sad. They shouldn't be so complacent. They know too much for being so little. I miss spending time with them. Sitting with Zack at the hospital really cuts into my time with them and they are all over me because they miss me.

We need help. We need an answer. I need my family to understand his condition and not judge him for it. They think he just wants attention. When he repeatedly says "Please please...I just want to be normal!" and it breaks my heart. He doesn't want attention. He wants to feel content. He wants his mind and body to stop this obsessive compulsive disorder.  He wants to be happy. He wants to be himself again.

I just want my husband back.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Struggle with your mind

My husband is always saying "I wish you could see how beautiful and sexy you are." and all I do is smile at him. Maybe I say thank you honey. I know that I am pretty. Everyone says it and sometimes I even believe them (when I am having a good day) but I don't feel like it's true.

I know a lot of people who know that they are pretty and they throw a picture out on social media and say something negative like "Omg I am awful looking today! I look so fat!" or whatever. And they do that because they are fishing for compliments. They want someone to say "Oh my goodness shut up because you are gorgeous and you look amazing and I WISH I could be as skinny as you." and it gives them the ego boost they were looking for.

I am the complete opposite. I post a picture and when someone says I look nice I say thank you. In my head I think "Why though? Why am I pretty? I don't see it." but yet I know I am pretty if everyone says it. I know someone would be honest with me and tell me if I wasn't pretty. What I am trying to understand is why don't I feel pretty? Why don't I believe in my heart and in my mind that I am just gorgeous. I don't feel that way. I don't know if it is because of my school experience. I was teased a lot. Every flaw pointed out and every insecurity discovered and exploited. People would always say "Just ignore them sweetie. They're just jealous because you are pretty." but I don't believe that. There must have been something that people saw in me that made me a target to pick on. Bullying is seriously what I think is wrong with my self image. I got picked on for having a gap, big ass, huge lips, big nose. Everything. I got picked on a lot and especially when my husband and I started dating.

I just wish I could feel like I am as pretty as everyone says I am. I want to think it. I really need to go on a diet. I have fallen so far from my healthy eating habits because I have started trying to quit smoking. So now my addiction is junk food. I need to start my diet back up and start doing some more activities. Maybe if I lose some weight my confidence will get stronger. Maybe.