Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
At times I think "Why am I so lucky?" and I realized that I am lucky because I have worked for it! I have struggled and never given up so now I am being rewarded for it. I never bicker. If he wants to go out with his friends I don't mind. He deserves to have some time to himself with being a stay at home dad. If he goes to the Casino in Louisiana and tells me he lost $300 of our money...oh well! It's just money. All of the bills are paid and we don't NEED anything. I can make that back in 4 days of work. I can tell he already feels bad and guilty so why would I want to make that worse? Yeah I do all of his laundry. He never asks me to. I just do it. But if he needs something he puts on a load of clothes by himself. He doesn't expect anything from me. He appreciates what I do therefore he can ask anything of me and I will be free to say yes or no.
Communication has gotten us to 10 years together and almost 3 years married. As long as we keep this going we should be a great couple for another 10 years. Just talking through the issues and never losing appreciation for each other. And Just so you know....every time I put "Boom City" as my status....we just had sex. LOL We have a lot of that going on lately too. It's like the first year of our relationship all over again. So in love and so into each other. I hope I keep feeling so in love and happy. I never want this feeling to go away. I love you Zachary Michael. <3
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I don't know how I manage to do everything. Most of the time I just want to cry. It feels like all I do is work and clean. Nothing more and nothing less. It feels like all I get is negative feed back. Everything I do...someone has something negative to say to me. I don't need negativity. I need encouragement and I need someone to notice everything I do. I only get credit for what I haven't done. It's not fair. I feel so proud of myself and then someone says "You need to do this" or "Why aren't you doing that". I have no freakin energy for anything. I barely want to give myself a bath. I just want someone to say they are proud of me and I am doing a great job. I don't want to be working. I want to be at home with my babies. I go to work right as Veronica gets out of school and she is in bed right when I get home. I miss her. I am so glad it's spring break because I am going to take my babies and go do something fun with them. I feel like a bad mom because I am never here for them. Veronica is always making good grades but since I have been working so much she is starting to get a low grade in spelling. I just don't ever get the chance to study with her. I feel like I should be here for that. I should be at home. Zack is trying really hard to get a job and what sucks is that even if he does, I won't be able to cut back on my work hours. We have so many goals and bills that we won't be able to afford to have me quit my job.
I wish I never needed sleep. That way I could stay up all night and clean. Then I can be a mommy all day until it's time to go to work. Wishing doesn't help anything that is impossible. I just need to really sit down and set a schedule. Tell my job that I can't come in until 4 pm or something. I need to figure something out beca
Monday, March 4, 2013
One thing that kept me awake is baby fever. I flashed back to memories of my pregnancy with Zane. Sitting on the birthing ball and trying my best to labor without the epidural. Which I did for 19 hours. I miss those moments of excitement when Zack felt the first kick, finding out the sex, planning my birth. I started thinking about everything I want to try to do differently. Birth at home for the most part. Breastfeeding in public and not being afraid of it. I want to swaddle a baby, change diapers, boil bottles, pick baby names and not tell anyone. Go through nesting. I wish we could afford it right now. My heart misses it.
Then I started thinking about going back to school. Going to beauty college and getting a degree. Or becoming a teacher and the kind of teacher I want to be. I would love doing either one of those. My passion is beauty but I loveeee kids. I don't want to do anything in the medical field. I don't like telling people bad news or anything like that. I don't think I would enjoy it. I would rather do something I enjoy and make less money.
I have the world on my mind. I hate nights like this.
Friday, March 1, 2013
I am so stressed that I'm not eating. I dropped 10lbs in a week because I am just not eating. I eat once a day maybe. Some days I sit and try to remember if I had eaten that day and most of the time it's no. I don't feel hungry but I do feel extremely tired. I can sleep 20hrs if I didn't have kids. I feel like a shell of myself. Like I am living life but not living it. Kinda like a zombie. I am going to start P90X tomorrow which I am excited about. I hope with that my energy returns. I need a vacation. Maybe once I get some bills paid I can ask for a week off of work. That way I can get some time with my family and actually socialize.
Monday, February 25, 2013
On the first of March I am going to start working out. I would love to tone my body and if I start to exercise then maybe that will boost my energy. I am doing really good about not eating at work anymore. I still crave the food. Especially the alfredo sauce. That's like the worst possible thing to eat there lol. Even the salad isn't healthy because of the dressing. I stopped eating sweets again. I can't control my eating so I am just going to avoid sweets all together. I also haven't had any fast food in about 3 weeks. Maybe less. But I am wanting it like crazy. As long as I don't give in to my cravings my weight should start dropping off again.
Hopefully all these changes will give me the energy I need. Now all I need to focus on is getting my weight down and energy up and everything else should fall into place. I have faith in myself. I can do this!